hustle and bustle

Anybody else feel busy? It just seems like even though Christmas day has passed, I still have tons to do. Not the least of which will still be 'undecorating' for Christmas. It's just not a ton of fun getting all the boxes out of the attic which requires a step ladder for us. Oh well, it can wait for the weekend... I always think we'll be more organized about it this year, and then somewhere about half way through, I get tired and just start shoving stuff where it will fit to get done faster. Oh well.
Thanks to those of you I've gotten to be in touch with lately. You all remain in my prayers.
Everyone have a great night. It's getting late and I want to try and at least start the book I got for Christmas tonight.

Well, Christmas day is winding down fast, and tomorrow it will be back to the grind. It was a good day, just staying here at home. We do miss our boy, but he got a few presents too this year. Just keep praying that our paperwork gets submitted asap after the embassy reopens on the 2nd.
Also pray that some of the mess we're still dealing with gets resolved. As much as I can be a procrastinator about some things, I hate just letting problems linger on which they'll probably have to do until after all the holidays as well, since most of the folks who need to do the talking are in and out until then. It's still just so unbelievable to me some of the stuff that has happened to us and to too many others.
I do hope you all had a great Christmas, and continue to celebrate the joy Christ brings.
-Tim

Merry Christmas!

I'll be brief as I think I hear Santa on the rooftop already, but I did just want to say Merry Christmas to each of you. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday. This will be our second Christmas since our referral to not have Joseph home, but we know he is ours, and that helps. I'm still praying for all of you still waiting and for those who are not. I know adjustment can be tough sometimes too.

Again, Merry Christmas.
Galatians 4:4-5

A couple of items tonight...

First things first, our boy has his passport!!! It was done today. This was the last thing needed to be able to submit to the Embassy for 2nd DNA authorization. The Embassy seems to be taking an extra long break, so we can't submit until the 2nd at the earliest, but at least everyhing seems to be ready.

Next, please pray for a work friend of mine also adopting from Guatemala. She found out about a KO today after over 9 weeks in PGN. Pray it can be corrected quickly to get her back on track. (She's with a different agency so maybe she won't hit our bumps.)

As to my post last night, please do heed my warnings about getting clear answers and clarifications, especially if you are working with the same people we have been. Don't be afraid to keep asking. That is part of what they are there for and are paid to do.

And last, if you are ever a family who just needs to not feel alone in being frustrated, you can always contact us. Many of you have our info through some outlet or another, but if you don't, let me know and I'll try to get in touch with you somehow. No, I'm not talking about a bash fest, just some encouragement to know that it's not always roses, and that is okay. I'll remind you that God is big enough to handle any anger or frustration we might have, even if it was with Him. If you don't want to take my word for it, read a little in the book of Psalms or perhaps even Job. Trust me, God can take it.

I hope you are all well. -T

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good:
My little boy has a new last name and it's MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is absolutely freaking awesome news and so exciting to me. (Translation: they did get the new birth certificate completed.)
The Bad:
Even though the above was done on Monday according to the update, they still haven't gotten the passport yet, even though this was probably the easier of the two to handle. It did have to come after the first though, so not too big a deal in itself.
Then, there's the ugly:
The ugly is that we're dealing with the same old people, and therefore some of the same old struggles. Even though they explicitly told us one thing multiple times during this process, here at the end they are trying to change their tune now. I don't know why I'm surprised given how many times it happened to us, but I have to say I still was. There will come a time when I have more to say, but for now, just be sure you confirm and reconfirm anything you were told, preferably in writing. Even then, they might try to change it on you. If something isn't clearly answered, ask until it is. You deserve it. I think I've mentioned before about this being a business to most everyone but the parents. As a parent, do yourself a favor and expect the same from them (honesty, clarity, respect for example) that you would from anyone you would do any kind of business with.

It will work out, but it's a shame that this came to light on a day I'd otherwise so enjoy.

Yes, We're OUT OF PGN...

I know you knew that already, but it still feels good to say it. It really does. Can I just say thanks again to all of you who support us? You all are totally awesome. Since I got all preachy last night, I'll go easy on you all and post some pics tonight.

"Remember"

I've been kicking around these thoughts for a while now as I said before, but perhaps now more than ever is an appropriate time for this post, with a very large glimmer of hope on the horizon.
One of the things people so often say as they look at our story, or in talking to anyone with a difficult adoption, is that 'whenever this finally does end, you'll forget all about the struggles you're having now'.
Let me stop right now and make it extremely clear. First, I'm not really sure that's true, and secondly, I'm pretty sure I don't ever want it to be.
Now, I'm not offended by that statement, or saying it's a bad thing to say even. I know what they mean. However, I do want to reexamine things a bit.
Truth be told, no one likes to feel the slightest discomfort, much less pain, and whatever we can do to hide it, ignore it, cover it up, or make it go away, we'll do, even just 'forgetting it'. Sometimes though, we do just need to feel it. It is in our pain and weakness that Christ can make us strong (or more appropriately perhaps become our strength). Here's some words from a song by Carolyn Arends called 'Not Alone' that express this prettty well:

There are friends who offer comfort, and they mean well
But sometimes it’s like salt inside a wound
And it’s good to speak of heaven, when it feels more like hell
But we ask our hearts for healing much too soon
There’s a Man of Sorrows, acquainted with our grief
And He’s done His share of crying in the night with no relief
There isn’t any heartache that He has not known
So we are not alone.

(You could also check out 'Fragile' by Carolyn Arends also for some similar thoughts.)

Before I get even further off my original course though, let me get back to saying that Deuteronomy Chapter 8 has been one of my favorite passages in the Bible since college. No, I'm not sure how or why I really came across it, but I first really remember it having meaning for me when my former youth minister asked me to do a devotion for the youth kids at a lock-in I had come home to help with.
Contextually, it is before the Israelites enter the promised land. And the Lord takes a moment to say 'remember'. To save space and typing, you can read the passage here. I really hope you'll take the time to do so.
As far as commentary, I guess I'd just remind you that as verse 2 says: Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way...to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

Whatever your journey has been or still is, the Lord does have a purpose for you. If or when your adoption or any other painful journey is complete, be sure you read further and don't fall into the trap of thinking your prosperity or well being is due to your own power or ability.

Don't forget the struggles you've gone through. Remember them and praise the Lord for his goodness through them. He was and is with you.
It will be good for you, and for those around you.

I do have to say thanks in this to the many, many special families we've met, who continue to cheer us on, long after their personal adoption struggles have ended. You all amaze me so much that you stick around, cringing, hoping, sighing, celebrating, and most importantly praying with us.

I hope this was coherent. I am a bit tired.
Know for those of you still hanging in there, I'm praying for you, too.
Thank you all again for reading.

Update

Well, we think there's good news, but I'm still trying to remain a little reserved until I can know for sure our approval is actually in the hands of those who need to now finish this for us. Other than that, I'm not really sure what to say about the case. Therefore, I think I'm going to start a separate post with something else that's been on my mind lately, but I haven't been able to sit down and put 'on paper'.

going insane...

round 2 is down as today was the rest of the birthday celebrations. it was fun, but we're going a bit insane around here. I'm nearly numb and nauseous from the anxiety of waiting and wondering. the worst may be that everyone else I tend to check in on seems to be in a similar state of not really hearing anything definite over the past few days/weeks. I'm still praying for you all as well.

there is some other stuff I'd like to discuss, but I'm not sure I have the energy and focus it would deserve. it also probably isn't in my personal best interest at this time, given my already greatly strained relationships with those we're working with in this process.

If you didn't happen to know, it seems a new adoption law did pass today in Guatemala. From first glance though, it doesn't really seem anyone knows much more than they did before about what all it might really mean going forward from here. There are tons of unanswered and unaddressed questions within it.
I am very torn, as on one hand, our process has shown me many dark sides of this adoption 'business' (for that is exactly what it is and nothing more to almost everyone involved but the parents). Some of you may not see it, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Something has to change! However, I deeply love Guatemala and know there is great need there, and not just for the children themselves.

Whew....

Round 1 down, several more (Christmas) to go. Yesterday morning we saw Santa and got a good pic. Then later, the B'day party was a success. It went great. The kids seemed to have fun, and we all survived it as well. (And no, Erin is not available for party planning unless of course there is mucho dinero involved.) I do have to say she had a fun plan. The house survived the event also. Now we see what the week will hold. I do hope you all are well. Here's a few pics of the day.

15 Minutes of fame...

Tonight, the preschool choirs at church may have used theirs up already. They were definitely great. It was their Christmas mini-musical as they called it. They all dressed up in their cute pajamas as it was sort of themed around a good night story. My daughter sang great when she actually sang, but she was quite distracted for much of it also, but I couldn't be more proud. It was pretty funny though. Lots of questions of 'can I go hug mom/dad now?' in the middle of the songs, quite a bit of improv dancing, the classic 'Hi Mom', and my favorite of all, the threes decided spontaneously to do the wave. Yes, that's right, the wave. It was definitely fun to watch. I hope you all are doing well.

PGN

Toward the bottom of the blog I posted a couple of pics. One is a closer shot of the PGN building, and another is of 'the window', where the files are submitted and picked up. I pulled them off of another agency's blog. (Yes, sometimes I compare notes from other agencies or any other source I can get to. )

Uncle...

I am one now. Congrats to my brother and sister-in-law. Also, I'm about ready to cry uncle in the long wait. Like I've been in a headlock what seems like forever, and they just want let go. I've had tons of thoughts to write, but not much energy to do so, and some of my more recent thoughts are probably better shared at a later date. Hope this finds you well, though I know some of you are still struggling as well. I am praying for you guys, too.

I crack my wife up...

Well, I may not be too great at this whole completing an adoption in a timely manner thing, but at least perhaps I'm good at one thing. What is that you may ask? Winning free music. Yes, that's right, I did it again, and was the right number caller to win music on the radio today. And no, it was NOT Bon Jovi. It was Sara Groves. She's great, and if we weren't tied up in a few weeks, she's in town with some other folks on a Christmas tour, but we won't be able to make it. Of course, this apparent 'talent' cracks up my wife. She actually heard the song too, since I had told her to be listening for it knowing she likes the song, but she didn't call knowing I would. As I said last time I won something though, she always asks why can't I apply my luck elsewhere to get us through this thing faster. I guess because it has nothing to do with being the right number caller. (Hey, maybe I should start calling PGN and just asking what number I am?) Anyway, hope you all continue to do well. Have a great one. -T

Okay, I confess...

A frequent activity my daughter and I partake in is going to the library to pick up some books and usually some movies or music for her as well. As I've said before also, I love music, so often if she'll give me any time to look, I pick up a few CD's for myself. Well, the last trip a little more than a week ago, I picked up a Bon Jovi CD out of curiosity, maybe even on a whim you might say. However, the confession is that I actually think I really like it. I think the name of it is Have a Nice Day. It's a few years old I believe. Well, now I feel better getting that off my chest. ( I also got a Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits, which was fun for a listen or two, and some live Dave Matthews Band (just incredible musicians in my opinion).) I pretty much listen to Christian radio or CD's like 90% of the time, so I guess that's how I keep things varied when I can't afford to buy new tunes.
If you were wondering, a few of the favorite Bon Jovi tunes were:
Welcome to Wherever You Are, Complicated, and I Am, but I really liked most of them.
Anyway, I hope you all are doing well. Keep praying for us. We do still need it. We still don't have any news yet, and saw today that even an abandonment case starting the same time we did has already completed now before us. We are happy for them, but sometimes it does still make you wonder just what happened to make ours such an anomaly. It's admittedly hard sometimes not to feel passed up and forgotten by the agency. There's so many places and times they, the attorney and those working with them out and out failed us.

Hello...

Anybody else starting to feel like Christmas is barrelling down on you? There just seems like a lot to do, and not a lot of time to do it. Pretty much the only gifts we've knocked out so far are for our daughter, no one else. Plus, we've got several family birthdays to squeeze in there also... Oh well, it will work out I'm sure. Still in the PGN black hole for now with the adoption. Six weeks down, so that's good. The wife is going a bit crazy with the waiting, and honestly, if I weren't in a training class this week at work that's forcing me to focus there, I would definitely be also. It's so hard, because we've learned to know it's never done until it's really done, no matter the time frame, but yet we're so hopeful. I hope you all are still well.

Just chugging along...

No adoption news to report... To our knowledge, we're still in PGN, hoping for the best.
I do have a couple of requests. My mom didn't get the best of reports last week at the doc, and dad's health isn't exactly superb either.
Also, please pray for my brother and sister-in-law. Their children should be here any day now. Mom and dad are there right now to help out.
Anyway, I hope this finds you all well. -T

The Centurion's Faith

I'm referring to the account in Matthew 8:5-9 this time. Something that struck me about this passage the last time I read it was a realization of what the Centurion actually had his faith in. What the Centurion seems to have said as I understand it was that he fully acknowledged and accepted Jesus' authority. I believe it was his acknowledgement of Jesus' authority that was so remarkable, especially since that's the exact question often asked of Jesus by the scribes and Pharisees: By whose authority are you doing this?. Anyway, that just my realization of what Jesus commends. He wants us to honor his authority, whatever his decisions are.

That's my boy...

Is he a flirt or what?

How to grow a church?

I ran across a verse the other day that kind of struck me. It's Acts 9:31. My first notice of it was in the NRSV translation I keep at work to read there. It says:
Meanwhile the church throughout Judea, Galilee, and Samaria had peace and was built up. Living in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, it increased in numbers.

Nothing fancy, no grand new ideas even, just living in fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

If you're wondering about the 'meanwhile', it's referring back to the fact that some of the Greek speaking jews had attempted to kill Paul (Saul), and they had to send him away to safety. In other words, this growth came even in the midst of or immediately after trials and loss.

Perhaps next time we hear about some new great 'growth strategy', we should examine it in this light.

Am I really forgiven?

In Sunday School this past week we were studying (among some other things) the parable of the unforgiving or unmerciful servant (slave). It's from Matthew 18:21-35. If you don't remember the story, it's essentially this. The king or master decides it's time for everyone who owes him money to pay up. The servant who owes millions of dollars can't pay, and begs for mercy. The master forgives the debt completely.
Then this same servant goes out to another servant who happens to owe him a few dollars demanding he pay him now, and even starts choking him for the money and threw him in prison. In the end, the king finds out and the first servant winds up in jail himself.
The obvious question to me (though I'm not sure I have ever asked it before) is this? HOW COULD HE BE SUCH A BONEHEAD?
Then this thought occurred to me. Maybe it is because he didn't really trust that the master had actually and completely forgiven him and was trying to get a few dollars to get back in good with him. Don't we so often think we must have to do something else? That we still somehow have to pay him back, even if it's just a little bit?
But no, when Christ forgives us, it is indeed completely and permanently.
(So don't go around choking another sinner.)

Do you want to get well?

I am always amazed by the Bible. It fascinates me how wonderful it is, and how each time you read something, even something very familiar, the Holy Spirit may show you something fresh and new if you're listening.
This time, I'm referring to the story of the man by the pool of Bethesda, found in John 5. I have thought many times before about Jesus question to the man: Do you want to get well?. What struck me most the most recent time I read it though, was the man's answer. He never really out and out says yes. In fact, he almost gives a list of excuses. I don't have anyone to help me. I'm not fast enough. Others get in my way.
Can't I be like that so many times with so many excuses? I am so thankful that Jesus healed him anyway.

Anybody still here?

If so, well, great, since I obviously haven't been much lately. Sorry about that. I really just haven't been on the computer much in the evenings lately, which is when I typically write. I have been thinking, though, and jotting down a few thoughts here and there to develop later. I kind of thought rather than one long and rambling post, I'd break them up into smaller ones (for easier digestion). I hope this finds you all well. Four weeks down in PGN for us, and hoping this is the real deal this time.
Many, many congrats to lots of people who have gotten out since my last post. To the ones not quite so lucky yet, hang in there. They say one day it will all work out. They really do.
Anyway, I hope you are all well. We're doing pretty good here. The new pics of Joseph this month are great on the wife's blog. They're saved on the other computer right now, so I'll put one on here later when I have a chance just for good measure.
Toodles, -T

The analogy returns

Adoption is like:
Well, sometimes its like writing on this blog, or writing in general for me, since this is my primary place for doing it. Many days, I'm extremely excited about it. I'd encourage anyone and everyone to try it. Other days though, it can seem a little like a chore, and just something I have to keep doing, whether I'm excited about it or not. It is not for everyone. Some people can't write well or adopt, others who could and do so well, don't realize it. Some days I feel like I have tons to say. Others, I'd rather not say anything at all. Some days I wonder if anyone cares at all, but most days I'm amazed at how many sincerely do, especially those I've never actually met. And for the final similarity, yes, people will read or listen to your story, but they mostly just want to see the pictures.

A few more songs from last week...


Amazing Grace - Chris Tomlin
How Can I Keep from Singing - Chris Tomlin
Lift Your Eyes - Leeland
The Love Song - Phil Joel


It was a fairly busy weekend, with a fun church SS fellowship Friday night, a harvest festival at my daughter's daycare Saturday, and a full day of church activities again today. That said, I'm still struggling to get in my writing schedule again. I still have a few ideas brewing, but not enough time to get them formulated enough to put down on the computer yet.


I hope you all are doing well, and that you had a good weekend also.
-Tim.

Hello again...

Sorry for my absence. I've been around. Just not writing. I'll try to get back in the swing again. Part of it was having the computer disconnected a few days while we did a little rearranging. Seems like this is a busy time of the year for us, as I'm sure it is for everyone.
It will likely be no news on the adoption for a while, since we're in the 'black hole' of PGN.
The dark analogies come easier for me, so I haven't had much inspiration there right now either.
One thing I have been thinking about is starting a little run of 'songs that make me smile' posts. You see, listening to music is one of my favorite things. I listen most of the day while working.
Here's just a few of the many songs lately that have made me smile:
Sing like the Saved - a Matt Redman song, but sung by David Crowder Band on The Lime CD.
Funny - by Todd Agnew from Better Questions
What a Heart is Beating For - Chris Rice from that same cd.

Hope you are all doing well. - Tim

It just feels so good to be 'in'. I know it's not the end, but for so long we've had no hope since we couldn't get out if we couldn't get in. It's a little stormy out, but I'm still smiling. Thank you again to everyone praying for us. I know many of you are in the trenches with us and you are being prayed for as well.
If any of you ever ask yourself, "how do they do this?". It is God and God alone. He loves us and cares for us in ways we can't even understand. Everyday I'm more and more amazed at the support you all provide to us, and I know it is God who brought you all to us.
I hope this finds you all well.

Finally able to post good news...

Yes, today, October 17, 2007, we again entered PGN. It feels like such a relief. I'm honestly not sure it's set in yet. I'm praying for some healing during this time, as the last few weeks have been so tough. I'm actually looking quite forward to hearing no news for a while, since we won't know too much while we're in.

I hope everyone is well. -Tim

For you finished folks out there...

I don't know how popular this site is, but if you are an adoptive parent who is already through, I'd encourage you to review your agency on the following site:
http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com/
Whether you had a good or bad experience, let others know about it (especially if it was bad, since those aren't the references the agency will be giving out).
If you're still in process, I'd say wait. My personal experience with my agency is drastically different now than it was when we started. Early on, I would have, (and did), recommended them to anyone. However, now, I don't think I could ever in good conscience do so unless some things DRASTICALLY change. There are too many problems in my opinion just in their setup in general. Anyway, just wanted to encourage anyone who hasn't done it and can, to do so for those who come behind them.
Also, if there are any other similar sites, etc., just let me know. I'll keep a note of those also.
One other quick note about the site I have noticed. If you search by state, you get different results depending on whether you type the abbreviation or the name spelled out so you might want to look at both.

As promised, the perfect pumpkins...

We had a great time today.

still not in pgn...

basically, it just didn't get done. not sure it even matters so much exactly why anymore. no one from the agency responded today to my e-mail.

Tomorrow though, we pick the perfect pumpkin (per my daughter). Have a great night. -Tim

Tonight's post brought to you by the letter T...

Ten terrible turtles tried tenaciously to traverse the tundra, then turned toward tall trees thinking thoughts that tended to tame their temper. Triumphantly they took two tiny tortured trusting treefrogs to the train. Their Toyota toy truck tires tediously tracked the trails, thumping the typhoon table top to the tenor's torrential tempo.

Thanks...

Quick post..

I did speak with the agency today. Another update saying the attorney had the necessary info for the embassy, but didn't have it in hand yet when he checked in. So, who knows. We'll hope for the best.

Adoption is like a balloon. The same thing that can bring so much joy sometimes brings such sadness. (Ever watched a child's face when their balloon floated away into the sky?). Sometimes it's filled with a lot of hot air. They can be dangerous. Some last longer than others. They come in many colors.

Have a great night.

liner notes?

Tonight's a little more serious. I've had a hard day. I'm not really sure why it was different, but I just really struggled today, such that I decided to take some mental health time this afternoon and leave work early. I had accomplished my big goals for the day already, and couldn't focus anyway, so I'll just use up some of the vacation time I've been saving for when we do come home. It's looking like my time may renew before then anyway.
It's not that I've lost faith. Don't assume that at all. It's just that sometimes this all weighs me down. At one point today I was thinking again back to one of my very first posts about how this feels like a hostage situation. In some ways, I think it may be worse than then because it has been dragging on for so much longer now, and even the agency relationship is quite strained presently. Our updates from Guatemala were wrong so often that they've essentially stopped giving them to us until they can be absolutely sure they are right. So now we really are in the dark. I have no idea why we're not back in yet. I have left a message asking to give us something, but they're being pretty adamant about their stance now, so we'll see.

In an effort to leave on a little more positive note, some thank yous are in order. (I got some new CD's lately, and I actually read the thank yous in the liner, so you have to also.)

Thanks to my parents. You guys always support us.
Thanks to my in-laws. You too.
Thanks to my amigos in my attorney's alumni club. SV and AB. Your info and willingness to share even after your out of the fire has been amazing and so encouraging.
Thanks to all the other EN parents out there who've found us. I've enjoyed your stories, too.
To d:). Thanks for sharing your heart and much wisdom on your blog.
To my church peeps. Keep praying.
To my work friends, you help make the work days bearable.
To anyone else maybe reading, for your even curious interest.

Speaking of curious, is there anyone else out there who also reads that stuff? Some artists are pretty funny leaving messages buried in there. You should try it some time.
Anyway, toodles...

here goes...

No new news about our case as usual. Perhaps one day we'll make it home with our boy. Until then, more analogies:

Adoption is like:
Burger King. You can have it your way, (as long as that's really their way and something they're used to doing). Employees there and in adoption work often don't really seem to enjoy people. Don't ask for anything extra, unless you're willing to suffer the consequences. Asking to speak to a manager isn't nearly as helpful as you'd like it to be. Sometimes the service is slow. (Or maybe even fast for everyone there but you).

Adoption is like tennis:
It all starts with love...(did I really just write that?). Lots of questionable calls get made, but arguing them seldom changes anything. Sometimes it goes fast, but other matches go on forever. It's played in several countries. There's lots of volleying shots back and forth. There are sometimes lots of 'service errors'. (I don't play tennis, so forgive me if the terminology is a little iffy.) And my favorite of them all, with credit to my wife, is that, during both, the spectators on the sidelines just watch moving their head from side to side.

A good night to all...

Today was a day of more lies discovered...

We are not in PGN. We still aren't sure when we will be. The corrections supposedly done 2 weeks ago were not. Strangely enough, I'm just disappointed more than I am angry. With that said, here's to the analogies:

Adoption is like peanut butter:
Some people are allergic to it. Some people think it's yucky. Others can't get enough. It's always very sticky. Once you get stuck in it, it's hard to get out. It doesn't work for infants. It goes better with chocolate, or at least with a milkshake.

Adoption is like fishing:
Most days, you're just sitting, waiting, and waiting, and waiting for nothing. You often don't get what you were hoping for. You don't know what you're dealing with until you've pulled and pulled for a while. Not everyone is successful at it. Sometimes your line (of communication) breaks. And in honor of yet another disappointing update today, they both usually involve lots of tall tales about what really happened.

More to come later. If I wrote all of them now, you might not come back...
Thanks for your prayers, and I hope you are all well.

Too much...

Sorry I haven't written much lately. I've been trying to lay off hounding the agency for a few days after a very trying week last week. With that said, I suppose I haven't posted much because the more I think about the adoption, the more I just want to demand explanations from them. We still have heard no explanation for the most recent apparent delay in our resubmission. Tomorrow will be a week since I last really asked, so I think it's time for some answers.

As a lovely backdrop to our own little mini-drama with just getting back in PGN, we're still dealing with the announcements of a likely shutdown/suspension of ALL Guatemala adoptions as of 1/1/08. Then today, the announcement came that the Congress in Guatemala passed the laws to definitely pave the way for this shutdown.

As if that still wasn't enough, CNN's Anderson Cooper 360, (which I had never actually watched before) did a lengthy story on the problems in Guatemalan adoptions. It's a nasty time folks. It really is. There are serious problems, but some of these so-called 'solutions' may be worse.

I couldn't even begin to try and explain it all on one post, but where I go for reliable info is still www.guatadopt.com. They are honest, open, and try not to panic folks. For some more info, you
can try 5000orphans.com - which is specifically addressing the current crisis.

I'll get to the analogies soon. I just have a few more pressing issues to handle first. I need answers from those who are supposed to be 'guiding' me in this process.

Thank you all for your interest and prayers. They are definitely needed now as much as ever.

You can decide...

For any of you who might have enjoyed the 'adoption is like...' series on my blog, this post is for you. Notice the Poll on the right with some choices. Or, leave a comment with something you think would be fun. I'm pretty open to almost anything clean. If nothing else, it will give me something fun to blog about when I'm really just to frustrated to talk about anything else. Strange people require strange therapy you know!!!

FYI, the poll would only allow so many choices, so here are a few more:
potty training (you have to see where that's going)
milk
a moose

An excerpt from the song:
'I'm taking you with me' by Reliant K

But as every second mark goes by
I feel it's just a waste of time
If I'm not with you

If home is where the heart is
Then my home is where you are
It's getting oh so hard
To spend these days
Without my heart.


These lines speak a bit of what I feel these days. Just as a side note, this was on the CD I mentioned winning a while back.

As to the case, no news today. The exec director and I had a long talk this evening. I have always asked them to let me know if I've pushed too far. Apparently he was at least concerned that I did yesterday. It was extremely long and drawn out, but okay overall. Not good necessarily, but not too bad either. I'm still processing some of it.

I do hope you are all well.
God does love you and me.

Honestly, some days I hate this crap...

Our agency still seems totally and utterly incompetent to provide us with any viable information from Guatemala and specifically our attorney. They don't really have any explanation why either. (I would offer up the thought of they're not really trying!) Even what they did say was that they're scheduled to speak to mystery woman (as referenced in a prior post) tomorrow, hoping she's heard from the attorney. Here's a stupid question: Why not talk to the attorney directly? Probably because it seems he doesn't respond either, even though for months and months they kept telling us how great he was, but still, shouldn't you continue to try?

In our fairly long conversation this afternoon, one of the things they brought up again as they almost always do, is that they chose these people to ensure everything was done ethically in Guatemala. I asked them when did ethics on our side of the case begin to matter, too. The international director here in town was describing it pretty much as if a little lie here and there to us was fine as long as nobody was being bribed, children weren't being bought, etc.
I'm honestly not sure if I even respect any of them much any more, much less trust them.

Sorry to be blunt again, but given that with a new DOS warning today pretty much saying any case not already done by Dec 31, 2007 had no guarantees at all, knowing my agency and attorney are crap leaves me pretty frustrated.

Edited a little later for those of you working with our agencies: Please don't hear me saying this is or will be your experience. Most of you have a different attorney, which if I may say, you should be thankful for. However, this indeed has been my own personal experience, and I just have to get it out sometimes. Thanks! - Tim.

The silent treatment...

is apparently what we're getting again. We have no confirmation to date we're in (and know we weren't as of Friday). What knows what they're up to?

attorney sighting?

In a total reversal from what we were told yesterday, the attorney seems to have reported in today saying he has made the corrections, and is 'planning' on submitting us by tomorrow. I'm holding the jubilation until I have proof in hand, but perhaps we're moving at least.
I truly wonder how this stuff sounds to them when they tell us sometimes? Do they feel as crazy saying it as it sounds, changing so drastically from day to day?

Still some fight left in me...

Just letting you know I'm feeling a little better. (Thank you so much for the comment, d:). Seeing that and reading your blog was a big part of refreshing my spirit today.)
Still no good news, probably worse in fact, since we essentially got the don't call us, we'll call you line from Guatemala via Kansas. We're waiting for Mr. Magoo to get better, and no one knows when that will be.
Needless to say, though. I don't think that's quite good enough, and have already e-mailed the agency my thoughts on it. Wait a few more days, fine. Wait indefinitely, no way.

Nothing adoption related to be happy about...

These days, this adoption is just a pain and a nightmare more than anything. No one that can do anything seems to even care what happens (or at least when it does). I've appealed to pretty much everyone possible within our agency, but to no avail. It seems to be no big deal to them that this has taken 2-3 times longer than they themselves told us it would, with no real end even in sight. We still usually have to chase them down for any info or support. It truly seems stupid sometimes that we'd even continue to do this to ourselves. They've lied so much.

It's to the point now where I even fear to some degree the 'happy' ending.
Bringing home a walking, talking (in Spanish) toddler (if we make it that soon even) is going to be a lot different than bringing home an infant. Not that I don't want to, but it will be so much harder on him. He is going to be so aware of missing all he's ever known. You can say he'll be fine all you want, but think about taking any two year old you know away from his current world and plopping him in a brand new one, with nothing familiar.
I taught kids that age in Sunday School at our church. I've seen them literally scream their lungs out and bang their head on doors kicking and screaming because their parents left them for an hour. And that was when they had no reason to doubt their parents would return. He will have every reason to doubt, as he will have had his entire world changed at least twice by the time he's home.

I know God will provide what is needed, but that doesn't mean all will be perfect and easy. It hasn't been thus far, and I have no reason to expect that to change any time soon.

This is a horrible and awful process. We're pretty much certain nothing will happen this week. I won't say a miracle cannot happen, but looking at the averages, we've probably already given up coming home this year. There's just too much still left to do. Just so you all know.

I don't mean to be a downer, but that is the reality of where I am. Please continue to pray for my entire family. -Tim

Still nothing has happened in the adoption since I wrote last. Go figure? The attorney is still recovering from his tropical illness.
Pretty interesting sports day today though... Auburn loses another game at home? to Mississippi State? Alabama beats Arkansas in a last minute drive. Florida destroyed Tennessee. And tomorrow the Nascar chase starts, too.

Life on permanent hold...

Nobody really ever even comes back on to say 'we're working on it' any more, and they turned off the music long ago, too. It just really stinks... What else can I say?

...I should quit thinking.

Sorry I haven't written much. The end of this past week I was mostly thinking about how poor our agency communications seem to be. It seems we're back to the pattern of 'we'll hear early next week' only to be at the end of the week hearing, 'we'll hear early next week'. I guess we'll see.

A crazy way to ride...

We still didn't hear any confirmation about our PGN status. Our concern is that from past experience, good news travels fast. When news is slow, it has usually been what we didn't want to hear. Anyway...

Tonight Erin and I were discussing again something the local agency Exec Dir said from my meeting last week. He said they didn't ever intend to just be in the passenger seat in their relationship with the Kansas agency. However, as evidenced by our constant inability to find out timely and accurate info, I mentioned to Erin that more often than not, I feel like we and our social worker here in town are all locked in the trunk. What I hadn't even thought of is what Erin pointed out: even being in the trunk, she and I are still paying for the gas! Now that stinks!

I hope you all are well.

Adoption is like.... Just kidding, no analogy tonight. If you saw Erin's blog you know the birth certficate issue is reportedly done. Now if we could just get confirmation we're back in PGN, that would be excellent.

It looks like Felix has weakened a good bit, but it will still probably make everything VERY MESSY. Remember when we were there in March, (not the rainy season), a good soaking rain caused a mudslide which almost made us miss our flight, so no telling how much yuck this could do since it is the rainy season anyway. Just pray for all the people there in the affected countries.

Hope you are all well. -Tim

Say an extra prayer that everything got done...

Do I need to say any more?

In the dark...

I'm not having a pity party, but I'm just hating that for about the past 7 months, we've really known very little about our adoption. We've had so many problems, but they really haven't been able to ever tell us that much about them. It doesn't happen as much anymore, but when we really started this mess, there were entire processes that didn't take 7 months total. This last 7 months was after the 8 months we took to get to that point. We're doing okay, but it really is frustrating.

I never really said that much about my Thursday meeting with my local agency's executive director. It was long, and my feelings are pretty mixed. Not too many surprises, but it definitely didn't instill a lot more confidence in me, especially in the intermediate agency. I'm still digesting some of it.

Adoptive parents are like...

bread. (And you thought my evolution analogy was out there.) Early on, bread dough is soft and pliable. It can be worked into a variety of different things. Then when you cook it in the oven for a while, like you do asking adoptive parents all those homestudy and dossier questions, it comes out with just the right crust on the outside, with a soft, yummy interior. That crust gives the adoptive parents what they need to endure the crazy questions and insensitive comments that are bound to happen. If all goes well, everyone enjoys a nice loaf of bread. However, if the bread is left sitting too long, it starts to get stale. Then, if left even longer, it starts to get really yucky with some funky green stuff growing on it, and nobody wants to see that. Please don't leave the adoptive parents waiting too long.

Evolution...

No I'm not going to give you a lecture on Darwinism. And no, I don't believe we all one day just crawled out of some big pile of goo somewhere and started growing brains and appendages. I believe in a loving God who created everything, including each and every one of us. He also has a distinct plan for each of us. However, my social worker today, after telling me essentially the birth certificate fix needed wasn't going to happen today, e-mailed me a confirmation of our phone conversation. (She's learning my ways). The last sentence of her e-mail said: "I will keep you updated as the plans evolve".
Which brings me to: THE ANALOGY OF THE NIGHT....
I'm no super scholar on evolution, but the one thing I think you and I both do know, is that it takes a long, long time. So perhaps evolution is a better analogy than you thought. The timeframes sure seem to fit. Evolution sort of happens randomly, and our issues have certainly been random. Also, evolution says everything is always changing and that certainly fits their idea of a 'plan', or an explanation. It always changes from day to day. Also, only the fit survive, so adoption is definitely not for wimps. Anyway, I hope you are all doing well. Have a great night and thanks for reading.

Maybe, just maybe, if we can hold out long enough, our case will finally crawl out of the goo, too.

A broken roller coaster...

Everyone likes to use the analogy that adoption is a roller coaster of emotions. That is indeed true. However, I think something is wrong with our roller coaster. The brakes in the station seem to be out. We just keep going round and round, up and down, twisting and turning, upside down, side to side, and everytime in the past it has seemed we may be near the end of the ride, something happens, and we seem to fly right by without ever slowing down. Then of course, we get back to the 'big hill', where we crawl and crawl and crawl and crawl and crawl and crawl up the hill. Then when we do get going again, it's the up and down, round and round, upside down, over and under, side to side all over again. Only to fly right by the stop again and start back up the hill.
I love roller coasters, I really do. In my (much) younger days, I rode the Mindbender (now called the Riddler I think) at Six Flags like 6 times in a row. It wasn't crowded, and once they actually let us just stay on, but the others we were literally just getting right back in line. However, there towards the end, I was definitely feeling pretty woozy.
It's kind of like that some days here lately. I just want off this ride, or I think I'm going to throw up.

Keep praying for us, and for the overall situation in Guatemala, too. It seems like everytime I visit our forum, there's yet another scary story there. -Tim.

Don't ask, Don't tell...

Sometimes I think that's the policy of our 2nd agency, the one in the middle with the direct contact to Guatemala. They don't want to ask the attorney any questions, because they don't really want to know what's going on. As long as he doesn't tell them about it, he can do whatever, and they're hands stay clean. That's a pretty pitiful ethics policy for them, just as it was for our US military back quite some years ago when the phrase became well known. It's really no policy at all. I'm not saying I really think anything's going on, it just has been frustrating so many times not to know.

However, one day as I was thinking about that, I have to say something else came to my mind. I was a bit convicted that I and it seems possibly many others use this same type of 'policy' in our willingness to share our faith. As long as no one asks, we don't tell them about our faith. We tell ourselves it's okay, because we don't want to force it on anybody, right? Honestly, though, I'm not sure I have even taken every opportunity when someone did ask me a question. No, I don't think I've ever denied my faith in Jesus Christ, but I think I've certainly missed some chances to say more.

Well, here it is for those of you reading this. Do you realize what God and His Son Jesus did for you? In this adoption process, I hope you realize that I would literally do ALMOST anything for my adopted son Joseph. I say almost, because as much as I love Joseph, I don't think I could give my daughter for him, just as once Joseph is here, I wouldn't give him for her or anyone else. BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT GOD DID FOR US!!! He gave HIS ONLY SON JESUS. He sent Him to die for you and us, then Jesus rose from the grave to live forevermore, that we might become adopted children of God. He didn't have to, but He did, because He loves me and He loves you that much. He chose each of us. He wants to give us a hope and a peace and a life with Him forevermore.

More and more as we walk this road, there are people watching us. (You are reading this aren't you?) I don't want our struggles to have been in vain, or to miss a chance to tell you how I've made it even this far. Jesus is the answer.

I won't lie and say it hasn't been hard, or that I have enjoyed it all, or that I haven't failed miserably even today to be worthy of Jesus' love, just out of sheer frustration. You know what though, I don't have to be worthy. He is. And He still loves me and forgives me each time I ask. He will you too. If anyone reading this ever wants to talk to me further about it, just let me know. I'll get in contact however I need to.

I'm praying as I write this for the peace of God that passes all understanding, both for my family and yours. In the words of my sweet 3 year old daughter that I so needed to hear today, remember, 'God will heal your heart.'

I hope this finds you well, and I covet your prayers. -Tim

Today I broke down and contacted the Executive Director of our local agency. He was very receptive to speaking with me. It still probably won't result in much significant movement, but perhaps he can help us rebuild at least some trust and hopefully encourage some accountability from the other agency. That would make the process more tolerable for me at least.

If you didn't know, there's some crazy stuff going on in Guatemala right now. All the children were removed by the government from a home recently, and no one is really sure where they are.

Another family's child is not being released from the hospital, even to the birthmom apparently.

Things are just up in the air.

Goodnight to all. Hope this finds you well.

Stick a fork in me...

No, I'm not done, I just am too numb to feel it and too tired of all this to care. Yet another day of being ignored. Not much else to say. -Tim

So tonight, I'm not sure what to write. I could detail out more frustrations from adoption info. I could give you a philosophical soapbox speech. I will tell you that at least the air conditioning is fixed. I could throw you some witty remarks. I could ramble on about many things I'm sure. Maybe I could give you a math lesson, or discuss some computer programming. Fact is, though, I'm tired, mentally more than physically. This process is draining. We're having to follow up more and more to get even the simple stuff we ask for.

Today's trial wasn't even necessarily directly toward me, because we're probably grandfathered in it seems, but the agency will be putting out a letter very soon advising family's they will now be responsible for childcare beyond 6 months after referral to the tune of $200 per month. I understand the home has needs and don't begrudge them at all for taking measures to meet those needs. However, it just seems problematic to me that the people with the longest cases (already facing a great burden from that), will be the ones most impacted by it. From my personal experience, the family has zero, zilch, nada, absolutely no control over any of the delays, yet they'll be picking up the tab for those who do. There has been no accountability to keep things moving forward, so who will do so now that it's costing the family more? Just my worthless thoughts on the matter. (And yes, I did share them with my agency if you were wondering.)

The one thing I think we have to remember as adoptive parents sometimes is that, yes, the agencies/attorneys seem to have all the power. However, if we didn't exist, neither would they. We can (and I think must) always be asking for and expecting more and better service from them. We may not get it, but if we always just take what we get without question, why should they ever do any better?

Guess you got the soapbox after all... Thanks for reading, and I hope you all are well.

Irony

I haven't written much lately. I apologize for that. I've been trying to get the 'kick me' sign off my back. Seems like more and more these days I understand the old adage about 'when it rains, it pours'. Our yard is a literal jungle. I knew I needed new tires for the wife's truck, but it was one of those where the tires wound up not even being the most expensive part of the venture. It had to be done because we were going to take it on our vacation trip. Then, Friday afternoon before we were leaving early Saturday, brake warning lights came on. (It's safe, we had it checked, but still will have to eventually deal with it). Then on vacation, my sweet daughter gets sick and runs a fever 3 days (though she never seemed to feel too bad). We get back and now the air conditioner at home is out of commission. During all this, the adoption of course is completely stalled out it seems, and they are still feeding us excuses and lies. If there is a problem, I can deal with that, just don't lie to me about it.

So why call this post 'Irony'. Well, there was one bright spot I guess yesterday as we were escaping the sauna that was our house. I won the 'catch of the day' on our local Christian radio station. My wife thinks it's silly how lucky I am at that, because I usually win something on the radio at least a few times a year. Of course as you can see above, my luck in anything meaningful is rotten. Which brings me to the irony I guess: the song I won for identifying and being the right caller was 'Give Until There's Nothing Left'. Go figure...

Unraveling Guatemala Adoption...

If ever you've wanted to know more about international adoption, here it goes.
First, if you're looking into IA, you'll need to find an AA. Do lots of research. Don't ask just a few people. Once you've signed up with one, you're officially a PAP. The first thing you'll need is for them to have a SW start working on a HS. While that's going on, you'll need to be fingerprinted for a background check. We had to have clearances from DHR, the ABI, and FBI. You also need an I-171 from USCIS. You'll need also to be getting all the paperwork for your dossier also. After all that's done, hopefully you'll get a referral of your DD or DS soon. You'll sign a POA. Then after notarization, county and state certification, and authentication, you send the dossier to Guatemala. It's translated. Then you're attorney will start working to get you into FC where the BM will have a SWI. Around this same time they'll also be working to get you into the USE for auth to do DNA. Once DNA is done, and results are in, the USE will issue a PA. After you have PA and the FC SWI is all done, you go to PGN. In PGN, you hope to get out without a KO. If you get a KO, your attorney will have to fix something. It could be your PA, a BC, or anything. If and when you ever get out of PGN, your DD or DS will get a new BC with your last name, and a Guatemala passport. Then you have to go back to the USE where they'll give you auth for another DNA. If all goes well, they issue pink. Then you go on the pickup trip. You'll get an IR-4 or IR-3 depending on your situation. Then you go home, where you can readopt to get an English BC and file for COC.

As suspected, we weren't in PGN this past week. Who knows when we will be again? Truth be told, I really just don't know who to trust at all anymore. The agencies have failed us so many times. Truth be told, it seems pretty much like they couldn't care less either. If you read my wife's blog you know we told them not to bother us unless they have absolute confirmation we're in.
At least this time tomorrow I'll be at the beach. Probably doing some reading and content to hear and smell the ocean. Don't know if we'll have internet access there or not, but I'll probably write a little if we do. It's my therapy sometimes. Hope you all are well.
Have a great night.

America's player lives on...

Eric from Big Brother 8 survived to play on. Yes, it's one of our summer pleasures. We've watched every year since the second season. I do have to say that most of them this year are way too mean.
Anyway, I hope all of you are well. I've got a couple of posts brewing in my mind again, and I'll try to get them up soon. I've been trying to work and get things ready for our vacation next week so there hasn't been a ton of time to write.
As to the case, we never got the confirmation we're back in yet, so no news is usually not good news with them. Good News usually travels pretty fast. -Tim

Stuck on the 'Chicken Bus'...

That's going to be my analogy for the night. For any of you who didn't know, when we were in Guatemala, I went down to the village one day for some groceries. On the way down, I rode with a work group from the home, but as I needed to go back earlier than them obviously, I found alternate means of transportation back.
Keep in mind, this is a quote from the US State Department:

Avoid low-priced intra- and inter-city buses (recycled U.S. school buses); they are often ... poorly maintained and dangerously driven.

Trust me, the ... was the worst of the warning, but I didn't want to scare my parents. Hi Mom!.
Anyway, I had seen enough to know what I was getting into and it cost all of 25 cents to ride. It would have been a several mile hike otherwise. So I rode what they call the 'chicken bus', and the more I think about it, it's a good picture of the process.

When I started on my trip, I had hoped the driver for the group I rode with could get me back. However, after my trip to the store and the local market, I couldn't seem to get in touch with him. That happens a good deal with our agency. I had to make a choice whether to just keep waiting, or to move forward. I hopped a bus. On the bus, I was alone. No one wanted to sit with me. Sometimes this process is pretty lonely. Pretty much everyone that started with us is long since done. Some of the 'new' friends we made have long since passed us too.
As to the bus, it wasn't comfortable. It was hot and sticky. The road was steep and windy. There were literally places where it seems the bus will never make it up the hill. There were many curves I could not see anything around and others where it seemed I was winding right back to where I started. We can't seem to make any progress some days. Sometimes 'progress' for us has only led us back to almost starting over. The road was dangerous. Many places there are literally drop offs of hundreds of feet just inches from where I travel. I suppose there really was no guarantee of my safety. We definitely even at this point still don't have a happy ending guaranteed. Not that I don't believe it will be, but there's no way to know for sure, until I get off the bus. And even once I got off in Guatemala, I still had a half mile hike back to the orphanage, so who knows what it will be like.

Anyway, here's hoping for a short safe trip from here on out... The diesel fumes alone have almost made me sick. I need to get off.

If this didn't make sense, I'm tired. Hope you're doing well. - Tim (chicken bus survivor (I hope))

A coworker who is also adopting has a sign that states, Adoption - Love in Action. These days I think I could 'edit' that a bit to say Adoption - Agencies Love inaction. Silly I know, but, hey, something has to keep us going, right?
Still don't know much more about why we're kicked out of PGN right now. They still haven't said what form it is, but today said they believe it's related to a translator's signature.
This repeated popping up of translator issues is a little worrisome. I just don't know what's going on. That is of course compounded by the fact that the agency likes to be extremely vague and cryptic about everything they answer. I'm starting to think perhaps I should hire a translator myself who speaks 'Adoption Agency'. Anybody know where to find that? I'm not sure even 'google' could handle that request.
Just for illustration, there is a particular lady in Guatemala who it seems of late is pretty much doing anything that is being done on our case. She's kind of the only name we hear anymore. HOWEVER, despite directly asking probably at least a dozen times over the phone, e-mail, and in person, we still don't know really who this person is. She's not our attorney, she doesn't work at the orphanage, she doesn't work at the agency. We just really don't know who she is, and they won't really say. They skirt the question usually. The closest thing we ever got to a real answer is when they said they call her 'the headhunter'. (No lie!). As they put it, she just gets things done. But WHO IS SHE? What's her title? Who's writing her check? Not that I'm not thankful for her, or that it really matters, but it's just weird that she's working on this, is the main name I hear, and I still have no idea who she is or why.

Have a great night. Hope you all are well. Keep asking questions! I definitely will.

Nothing too long tonight, just thought I'd ask for prayer for two different Lori 's tonight. One is the Lori who traveled with us to Guatemala. She's still waiting to get back in PGN after a recent KO. The second I don't really know, but is on our agency board and is still waiting to get in PGN the first time and apparently having 'attorney problems'. It's been a couple of months now since everything was supposed to have been ready. I know that pain. I hate that anyone ever has to experience it.

I'm thinking over a few things to write when I have more time or energy, but that isn't tonight.

Do pray for us for a decision we'll be making this week. Much of my decision will be based on if my agency answers me specifically about our kickout tomorrow as I asked them to do on Monday. I'm not really expecting them to. Sad isn't it.

Thinking of you all. - Tim

Borrowing a question from a local gas station sign, Why does NASCAR run counter-clockwise?

Almost as puzzling is why don't my agencies ever ask for better details when speaking with Guatemala? Today's further explanation was that it was 'some form' from the US Embassy, but they didn't know anything else about our kickout. That fills me with confidence, how about you?

Anyway, hope everyone is well. Please pray specifically that a soon to be officially announced requirement for a second DNA test won't hinder us any further if we ever do get to the end of this nightmare. We just read about that today on Guatadopt.com, who is always very informative. We had such a wonderful experience our first go round with DNA testing, as that was the beginning of our major delays. It hit Erin pretty hard that there could possibly be another hurdle (in both time and money) in our path, just because things have taken so long.

Sweet Chicken, Booyakah, and 'I'd do that for a dollar'. - Good Night.

Not worth a title this time.

We got kicked out again. The agency let us know today. Everything seems so far away these days that I wasn't really that shocked by it. I have pretty much given up on trying to estimate any kind of timeline. If it's going to happen, it will happen whenever it does. There's nothing we can really do about it anyway. Talking to the agency is a definite dead end.

As a little follow up on my last post, I emailed the international director Thursday morning. I talked in length about how we weren't feeling supported and empathized with. I said truthfully that I wasn't as upset about what has happened in our case as I am about how it has happened. That is, them constantly being wrong about what they're telling us, and never expressing any empathy. His response, which came Friday morning, was that he started a response, but was leaving on a trip that day, and we would have to wait until Monday. (No I'm sorry included). Actions I guess do speak louder than words. In some ways I felt better as I basically decided they were useless anyway. Other than give us the information, they can't/don't/won't do anything to really be helpful. I'm sure he would have responded Monday, but I wrote him early to say not to. I didn't want him to say anything that would upset me more. I will probably explore some of this with them again in the end, but will try to just hold it until then if I can.
They really don't care what I have to say anyway.

Sorry not to have written more lately. Nanny was here this week so we spent time with her. I've also been reading book 7 with the rest of the world.

Other than that, I'm just tired. It's been so long and we're just so disconnected from any reality of this adoption now, that numb is probably the best description for it.

Hope all of you are well. Keep praying as admittedly I'm in one of those patches where I don't know how to very well.

Thanks again, -Tim

So I called my agency today...

and as usual, got nothing. I didn't really expect anything, but this had probably been one of the longest stints (2 whole weeks) in a while for not actually speaking to them.
I'm just struggling, as I know I cannot be bitter about how this has gone, even though that is very hard.
Is it wrong of me to expect an apology for the lies and other times they've just been wrong? I know I have to forgive them and feel that I have. I just still feel as if they don't even acknowledge that I might have had any reason to be even a little frustrated.
I just don't feel any empathy from them at all really, and I can't understand it. Maybe it's just that I'm going through another party in what I hear, but I don't really get that feeling from my direct contact person. In some ways that makes it even more frustrating to me, since I know my direct contact can't really empathize that much either because it would be 'unprofessional'. She has a relationship and has to speak everyday to the people I'm most frustrated with.

Oh well, tomorrow is 14 months since referral, and I'll continue to wait.
Any new thoughts or perspectives are certainly welcome... mine should allow comments by anyone now also...

Difference of Opinion

I have to say I was quite frustrated on my way to church today. Surrounding the parking lot entrances to my church and 3 others extremely nearby, there were 'abortion opponents' as a newspaper brief described them. When I say 'surrounding', that's pretty much exactly how I saw it. Almost as if they were ready to pounce on anyone passing by, and I'm not sure they didn't 'pounce' on a few. First let me say I am anti-abortion myself. I think I can back that up pretty well considering I am adopting a child an extremely young mother chose to carry with probably very little support from those around her.

However, I think I am also very against this group and their tactics. As you can imagine, their primary means of gaining attention were numerous and enormous signs depicting mangled fetuses. I realize its graphic to say, but that's pretty much what it was. In all their varied signage, I think I saw only one mention of Jesus at all. In some ways I'm glad I guess (not associating his name with their actions), but in reality, just bothered that they'd resort to such tactics, with no show of His love. I really equate their shock tactics to be closer to something a Howard Stern shock jock type would use rather than Jesus.

I guess just with all we've been through in our lives, I'm a little more sensitive to how our actions our viewed, and realize that sometimes hard decisions people have to make dictate providing support more than they do judgement. There has to be a better way of spreading your message than they were using.

If I am against abortion and appalled at how they did what they were doing, how must the rest of the world see them?

Ouch! That hurt.

Today I tried to do something nice. I have been in a training class all week at a different location for work. Anyway, today I got home about an hour early since it was the last day. Smart thinking me was going to cut the grass in the front yard since every free chance I've had to do so, it has been wet. I was going to do it as sort of a surprise for Erin since she was still at work. Well I did. All was going well, until I was literally about two or three more passes from being done. That's when I felt the attack begin. Something suddenly shot a pain through my calf. I looked down to see a yellow jacket. Before I could get that one off even, another stung me and then another. They followed me all the way from near the street to the front porch before I could get the last one off me. Luckily, I only got three really bad stings. I am kind of loopy from the 2 Benadryl I took right after it happened though, and will be taking some more before going to bed in just a few minutes. I guess that's what I get for being nice...(just kidding).
Sorry for the extremely long last post. Just wanted to get that out I guess. Anyway, hope this finds everyone well. I'm praying for you all too, though not too long tonight since I don't think I can stay awake : ) .

When the Mountain Doesn't Move

This process of adoption has been a tremendous test of faith for us. I’m not sure it hasn’t even tested some of those around us, especially our family at times.
The answer to this should be simple after all, right?
The Bible tells us the words of Jesus in Mark 11:23-24: “I assure you: If anyone says to this mountain, ‘Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, all the things you pray and ask for--believe that you have received them, and you will have them.”
The same story and basic words are also in Matthew 21:21-22. In Matthew 7:7 and Luke 11:26, Jesus tells us ‘keep asking, and it will be given to you’.
Eureka!
That’s it, we obviously just don’t believe and pray enough. We do not have enough faith.

While I definitely don’t claim to have a superior faith, I don’t think to just unilaterally make that declaration that my faith just isn’t big enough is correct or even Biblical either. Even if my faith isn’t big enough for this adoption, I know there are way too many wonderfully strong and mature Christians praying for us and our son to believe that all their faith combined would still not be enough if it were that simple.

The hard and fast truth for me is that I honestly don’t want a God so small that we could ever manipulate him or press our will upon him just because we said the right words or prayers the right way or did enough of the ‘right things’.

That said, how do resolve the above verses or why bother to pray. Well, for those of you blessed enough to have been at my church yesterday, you heard two great sermons on prayer.
In a quick recap, Sunday morning, we learned that God wants to pray because of His name. Jesus taught us how to pray in the model prayer, and in that prayer, referred to God as father. It’s a personal and relational name. Praying is also about the Kingdom of God. In a kingdom, the will of the king is done. When we pray and acknowledge the Kingdom of God, it helps us surrender to that good and perfect will of God as our King. Our prayer should also be to and for the Glory of God. We pray to bring Him glory as we surrender to him.
Sunday night we learned to pray according to God’s will. We should pray according to the word of God as that is the will of God in written form. We should pray according to the promises of God, and we should pray according to the Spirit of God. I’m especially thankful knowing that the Holy Spirit is interceding for me when I just don’t know what to pray, as are so many of you.

In no way am I trying to be negative so please don’t hear me that way. If I had one thing to interject or change about the message, it would have been to maybe present another side of the happy ending illustration of a toddler in a health crisis who did get better and discuss a little more closely a song three of our youth so beautifully presented. The song is ‘Held’, made popular by Natalie Grant. I’m not sure what CD it’s on of hers, but it is on WOW 2007 if you have that, and want to hear it again. Essentially what the song says (much more eloquently) is we were never promised God would do as we see fit, even if it is what everyone everywhere would think is best (even a sick child getting better). We’re promised that He’s in control and will never leave us. He is our comforter and will hold us, and that is enough if we surrender wholly to Him.
Will we like it? Not necessarily at the time. Will we understand it? Not likely. Will it seem like a 'happy ending' at the time? Certainly not. However, as Christ has proven over and over in my life, when the time comes, if we are looking and listening, we’ll see how wonderful the actual path He took us down was. It is and always will be better than we could hope or imagine, even if we do have to wait for Heaven to understand it.

I’m getting wordy and it’s getting late. All I’m trying to say is that even though I believe my adoption will certainly one day be a happy ending, there are things I’ve experienced in life that probably won’t ever change. I am infertile, as are we as a couple. Nothing seems to indicate that will ever change, despite many prayers for another child before this adoption. However. Christ gave us this adoption, however difficult and I know it is His plan and is better right now. I’m sure there are things in your life to that didn’t go as planned. Perhaps you lost someone too soon, or someone you trusted and loved severely hurt you.
Just because Christ doesn’t change our circumstances, whatever they are, doesn’t mean we don’t have enough faith. If you don’t believe me, just consider this. Paul, who had faith to do miracles, pleaded with the Lord to remove the ‘thorn in the flesh’, and God did not (II Cor 12:9). If one example isn’t enough, or should you still question even his faith, consider that Christ himself prayed in anguish that the Father would remove this cup from him, but God did not (Luke 22:42). Jesus hung on a cross to die for you and me. Jesus prayed and realized as we must that God’s will is better and is what must be done.
And though it was not what anyone around him thought was best or made sense, God proved it was best when He raised Jesus from the dead to save all who believe.

Anyway, I guess what I pray for you all and for myself, is not for the faith that will move the mountain. (I believe God already has those right where he wants them…) I pray for the faith to know that even when the mountain doesn’t move, that God is still there, God is in perfect control, and God loves me and you, and is working what is best for me and you.

One of my favorite verses has always been Philippians 4:7, and I guess that’s sort of what I’m praying for you who read this: that ‘the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, [transcends all understanding] will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus’.

Thank you all again for loving us and caring enough to be interested in our lives.

-Tim.

I just got whipped in Monopoly...

Yes, Monopoly, and yes, we actually finished a game. I went down in a burning heap of bankruptcy. Erin and I have played together the last two weekends actually. It has been kind of fun to just sit and play. Last week we didn't turn on the TV even. This week though, I left the race on. Speaking of NASCAR, how about that finish... If you didn't watch, it was a margin of .004 seconds... The closest ever at Daytona, which broke the record just from the earlier Daytona 500 this year. Pretty cool to watch.
Anyway, not much else to say. Just admitting my utter defeat, and hoping all of you are well.
We're still hoping for really quick news that maybe we'll be done with PGN soon, but know that it still could be a while as the average is still about 8 weeks.

A good night to you all...

A great way to spend the 4th of July

After a slow morning at home, we hung out a long while at the pool having a picnic lunch there, then took in a baseball game and the fireworks this evening. We got to see the B'ham Barons beat the West Tenn Diamond Jaxx 5-2. The fireworks were great too. I actually just got to watch a recap of them again on the news. If only we'd had our boy with us too, but I know that time will come. Hope this finds everyone well and that you all enjoyed your day also. With part of my heart being in Guatemala, it was good to have some good American fun and the fireworks do always make me more patriotic.

We're Back in the Game!!!

Thankfully we finally got the news today that our attorney submitted us back to PGN. Now we wait, hope, and pray for the day we really get out for good. Thanks to everyone who has been keeping up with us and our progress. It really is great knowing there are people everywhere praying for us and our family. To all those other adoptive parents out there, know we're praying for you also.

Read and then Scroll to the bottom of the blog...

Today was yet another frustrating day. In short the attorney apparently realized yesterday that he does need a new medical letter for our son to submit us to PGN. We had hounded them weeks ago saying we were going to need this, only to be repeatedly told we didn't.... (But now we do and are delayed again, go figure.)
With that said, I had to share a pic of someone we met Sunday at ZooAtlanta. You can imagine our amusement. Hope this finds all who read it well.

hello again...

Hi all, Sorry I haven't had much to say lately. Erin's been doing most of the informing on her blog. Fact is, I just haven't had that much to say because not much has really changed. Though they have given us a few whiffs of hope over the past few weeks, most of those hopes have only been dashed on the rocks yet again. The latest lie (intentional or not) was that the contact in Guatemala was actually on her way to submit our case to PGN when they spoke with her. Well, yesterday, her cell phone was apparently on the fritz, so no confirmation then. (Never a good sign). Then today, of course, the story becomes our attorney (who has been MIA for weeks now) is going to submit us today or tomorrow. Apparently, they had to certify the social workers report or something. Not sure if they found this out before or after she was taking it, or maybe she was never on her way to take it at all. Who knows...

This was the last straw for me. I'm not even all that upset that it didn't go in, I'm just upset that once again they've lied (or at best misinformed us due to their ignorance). So I pretty much sent them an e-mail saying I was disgusted by their constant misinfo and that it must stop. In my heart, I really do like my agency that I speak directly to. My social worker is actually awesome. Trouble is, she doesn't have much more control over anything than I do. She's not in any direct contact with Guatemala either. However, I'm not sure what's going on beyond her.

In the middle of my e-mail, I actually did get another update that the atty was going at 4pm today. However, I sent the e-mail anyway, because, as I said in it, they were supposed to have been going Monday. Until I get the receipt in hand, I'll hold my applause. Even then, there's no guarantee we'll be done. PGN could still want more. There's just no way to know.

The international program director did call me this afternoon. They like to say that the problems (not that they think of it as a problem) is just cultural differences. I really don't believe that lying is a cultural thing. To me, that is as racist as any remark you could make to say that there are no Guatemalan attorneys who are honest.

They always act like they can't push too hard or even question the Guatemala contacts. It might hurt the relationship or cause them to become angry and not work on our case. I really wonder how great a relationship it can be if constantly failing to do what they say is the norm. As far as not working on our case, if you look strictly at results, how different would that be???

Anyway, as I left it with our agency director, he's asking the other agency whether they're willing to do what it takes including pushing where needed to complete this adoption. Crazy that I have to ask, but I really feel as if I do. I assume they'll say yes, and if not, I guess we'll be seeking outside help who will do what's needed. It does exist, but it's not cheap, so we've tried to avoid it. That and they always tell us they're so close...

Sorry this is so long, but thanks for caring enough to read. Maybe one day I'll have some actual good news to post...

There's a light at the end of the tunnel...

I can't see it at all yet... but it has to be there, right? Please say yes, even if you don't mean it. Seriously, though, I do believe somehow, someway, it will work out. It's such a hard road, such a test of faith in so many ways. Early on, so many people would say 'I just don't think I could do that (adopt)'. At the time, I often thought that sure they could. However, the past few days again I guess I realize it is a calling, and not one for everyone. For whatever reason, it is our calling though. There's no way I could quit now, as many times as I may want have wanted to, just because it all makes no sense.
I mean it really makes no sense. I see families on the forums we visit who make it home in just a matter of a few months. Even families from our own agency seem to be coming home in much less than a year. Yet here we are staring at 13 months since our referral with as I said, not even a hint of the light at the tunnel's end yet. Then I also see other friends on the forum who have even longer stories than ours. Please say a short prayer as you read this for: Lori P., LEIFJACKIE, BETELNUT, CLEMSUCH, ANGEL99. They've all waited a long time, too.

The hardest part for me still seems to be that no one can give me a hard and fast reason why our case drags on forever. We met with our agency again this week, and still, nothing. They continue to assure us of their confidence in our Guatemalan attorney. Yet, I still don't see results and don't see a strong indication he's in a hurry for results either. They seem to imply that the social worker is being problematic, but they really won't say how she's being that. I would think at this point if that was the case, they be past just 'implying' that, and just out and out say it. As I'm learning though, what I would think makes no difference whatsoever. What remains pretty obvious though, is that regardless of how many times we get the 'call everyday' if we need to speech, they're still not going to ask any more of the attorney than his regular biweekly updates, and if those don't come on schedule, they don't really seem willing to push him there either.

What stinks to me is that I think I've set it up in my mind that this may be the 'breakpoint' week. They've been working on this same piece for over 8 weeks now. It just seems like if they can't get it this week after I know they dropped off the report over a week ago, that not too much is going to change by time marching on. I'm not even sure myself what I think that means, but I know it scares me a little. Maybe it's good that what I think doesn't matter on this point...

Oh well, hope this finds everyone well, and that the week ahead proves promising. Thank you to everyone who reads this for being our support.

A couple of random items...

First, some good news, my mom had some follow up scans related to her lymphoma treatment last year and all was well. She was able to go ahead and start her maintenance chemo today which she said went well.

Second, more crazy news related to the adoption. See my wife's blog for the details, but we're still waiting to get back in PGN. The social worker 'may' go ahead and sign off on what is needed, but if not will reportedly go this weekend to do the interview. (She basically said the same thing last week too, so who knows.)

Lastly, still thinking about some other things to write about.... I've been reading some in Job over the last few weeks. Do you think that Job's wife not being killed along with the rest of his family has to do with 'two becoming one'? Just a thought.

I'm definitely not claiming to be like Job. However, one of the interesting things to me about the book, which can be a bit confusing to read I would say, is that the friends do say some things that make sense. However, as God points out quite severely in the end, they're extremely wrong. Sometimes the adoption feels a little like that. It feels like there would be folks who would insist that we're just not praying enough or doing something to impede our progress. Again, like Job's friends, that could make sense, but I'm pretty sure that isn't it. Anyway, glad to know God is still in charge. He really is the ruler of the universe. It's still hard, but I have to trust in that.

Just Adopt

Just put your life on hold waiting for your child to come
home.
Just pour out your entire savings to make that happen.
Just daily yearn for some type of update.
Just fall to pieces when there isn’t one.
Just wish the weekend away for the chance that Monday will
bring new news.
Just wish for ‘maybe next week’ when it’s Friday and there
was none.
Just watch as so many families seem to pass you on by.
Just wonder if anyone really cares about your child and
when they may come home.
Just beg and plead and pray to often only wonder if it does
any good.
Just live in fear of the realistic possibility someone will
still say, “We’re sorry, this adoption can’t be completed”.
Just hold your breath anytime there’s a report or even
rumor of a new law or statement by either of the two government’s involved.
Just answer questions about your child’s ‘real parents’
knowing that the people asking don’t mean you.
Just be told how ‘strong’ or ‘wonderful’ you are to be
adopting while all you really want to do is scream and
choke someone because the waiting has just become too much.
Just live at the mercy of a government employee’s whims
about what is needed to move forward.
Just live in fear of your child’s first steps rather than
celebrate them because he will likely take them
without you.
Just hope he remembers even slightly the week we were able
to spend with him.
Just feel more at home on the internet than anywhere else
because there are real friends there who really do
understand what you’re going through.
Just listen to the sincere and desperate cry of your three-
year-old as she too longs for her ‘baby brother’.
Just endure one more story about someone adopting who
suddenly became pregnant.
Just realize again how differently and second rate the
world sees adoption.
Just wonder how your son will be treated since he looks and
is Hispanic, knowing the prejudices that unfortunately
exist almost everywhere I turn.
Just hope and know that one day, this really will be worth
it all.

Are we starting over?

Well, it looks like our attorney 'lost' the last round of 'negotiations' with the Guatemalan social worker. She is going to do another interview with the birth mother, birth mother's father, and a translator. Hopefully this will at least get us back on track.
Bottom line though, is that it's still going to be a while before we get home...
This past month we've just done seemingly so many things over that we did back in the beginning of this process, fingerprints, family court, etc...
This Saturday marks one full year since we got our referral, the day we first saw his picture. He was so young and sleeping so peacefully in the picture. Though we know he is definitely worth it, we just never thought it would be such a long ride.
As my wife put it best, we've now been through every holiday without him, and it looks like we'll spend several of them twice with him away from us.

I have a few things 'brewing' in my head that I hope to write soon, but hope everyone is well until then.

Not sure what to write...

I haven't posted much lately. I guess when nothing seems to change, there doesn't seem to be much interesting to say. The past two days I've spent 40 minutes or more each day on the phone with our agency. Unfortunately, both times after getting off the phone, I didn't feel like I'd gotten really anywhere. We're still not back in PGN. English translation: Since we're not even back in yet, we can't get out (complete the adoption). It does at least 'appear' the attorney is trying currently. I can't really think of anything else without getting into details I'm too tired to go through again right now. Suffice it to say for those wondering, that we're not real optimistic Joseph will be home this summer.

Hope everyone is well.
Trying to hang on....

Questions

If dentists really don't really want kids chewing bubble gum, why do they give them bubble gum flavored toothpaste? Something to think about isn't it. A good question inspired by the whys of my three year old.
Why does adoption take so long? That one makes some sense. I wouldn't expect anyone who doesn't know me to just hand me a child and say have fun.
Why can't my adoption attorney answer a simple question? That's one I'm still waiting on... and waiting, and waiting, and waiting... well, you get the point.

For once I'm actually glad...

that some folks in the Guatemalan government apparently decided to take an extra day off. Yesterday was a Guatemalan holiday, but on the Congressional agenda today in Guatemala were two laws unfriendly to international adoption. It's not confirmed, but as things seem to stand right now, nothing happened because there wasn't a quorum. I guess that's not to say it's still not lurking out there somewhere, but around here, we take everything one day at a time.

As to hearing anything about our case, nope, still didn't happen today either. I guess we'll just keep waiting. What other choice do we have?

The same old, same old...

I really hate to be putting the same thing over and over, but for an idea on how I feel today, see the prior post about being held hostage. We're still there, still waiting on that ransom note. Why can't they just answer us? It's really just a simple yes or no question right now. Are we back in PGN? I mean really, how hard is it to answer that. Our hopes are that we are, but after several weeks of what seems like a refusal of the attorney to answer anyone, a person does have to start to wonder. It's not as if I'm asking them to go above and beyond... Perhaps tomorrow will bring brighter news.

Joseph's Birthday

Today was Joseph's first birthday. It was a day we never, ever expected to spend without him. However, along with some great friends (who also love Guatemala), we celebrated Joseph and had a great day, cupcakes with candles and all.

Hostage Situation In Guatemala

I wrote this a few weeks ago, but unfortunately it still seems to apply. We're still waiting...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, so maybe the title is a little extreme. However, before you write this off as another silly rant from an antsy adoptive parent (at least a prospective one), hear me out.
If my child was a ‘hostage’ being held captive by someone else, I would have no difficulty in obtaining help from numerous different civil and government agencies. I’m sure I would have as much police and perhaps even FBI assistance as was needed to address the situation and bring my child home, especially if their whereabouts were clearly known.
Unfortunately, (as backwards as that is to say here), that is not my situation. I do know the exact whereabouts of my child, and have even been able to visit him there. Thanks be to God Almighty that he is safe and well cared for. I’m absolutely certain I would be driven into insanity if I had fears he were not. Nevertheless, I do feel he is being held captive. He is a captive to the process which is our Guatemalan adoption. However, you may feel in general about Guatemalan adoption, and some of the horrific tales our own government would like to share as the ‘norm’, it seems very clear based on all the info provided us to date that the birthmother is very aware of her situation, hasn’t been extravagantly compensated for this, and very much desires to continue with allowing this adoption. She has already had at least three official interviews requiring her to confirm this and may be subject to one more before she’ll then have to sign the final decree once it does become official.
Again though, our child remains captive.
We don’t have assistance really from any official entity. In fact, as I mentioned above, it seems of late our own Federal Department of State is quite in opposition to us. It almost seems they’d rather families right now ‘give up’ on Guatemala adoptions because there are a few cases of questionable circumstances. Last time I checked, there were unfortunately crimes, abuses, and misuses of authority all over the world and even in our beloved United States and our own government.
I guess the belief is that my child in Guatemala isn’t really my child legally. Legally that might be true. However, in my heart, he is definitely mine, just as our biological daughter is. I love him equally as much, and at this point, whatever may or may not happen with the adoption, I know who my first son is, and even if he never made it home, he would still always be mine and I would always long for him.
Before I digress too far with that though, let me explain why it really does feel like what I can only imagine a child being taken hostage must be like.
Right now, although I know where he is, I have no idea what our actual situation is. We seem to be lost in our process. We hear speculation about what may be or should be going on, but can never seem to find out anything specific and certainly not definite.
We sit by the phone or more often the computer, desparately waiting for any shred of news or hope, much like waiting on the next ransom demand for any glimmer of hope.
Again, like so many ransom demands, when we do get any piece of info, it is often filtered through many hands and so cryptic that we often can’t tell anything at all from it.
It would almost seem easier if we could just get a ransom note saying pay $XXXXXX and we’ll set him free.
But as you can probably figure out from at least knowing someone who adopted, we are already paying what to us is an extremely large amount of money, only to still have to suffer through this seemingly unending experience.
Like a hostage situation, especially if the whereabouts are known, most everyone ‘hopes’ and ‘thinks’ this process will eventually come to a positive end. However, no one is willing to say this with certainty. There are just too many unknowns for anyone who has any stake in the situation to guarantee that to us. It’s out of their hands almost as much as it’s out of ours.
Those at our agency, who I guess would be the closest parallel to our police in my imperfect analogy, are extremely cautious to ‘push too hard’ or make any demands or even place any expectations on the attorneys and officials for fear I guess of an adverse reaction.
Like hostage takers too, it seems the demands placed on us by the officials in this process are always changing. What the demand was yesterday isn’t good enough for today. Instead of three drops of blood in a smiley face pattern as your signature, today they’d like seven, arranged in a slight frown.
And again, don’t try to understand why, just do it. And then wait yet again for the ransom note, just hoping this might be the one that brings better news. You can attempt to contact them, but likely you won’t be able to. And if you do, you’ll likely just hear what you’ve heard over and over again before.
I realize this is extreme, but before judging an ‘antsy’ parent (someone related to our adoption was fond of using this term), think about it, and how you’d react if it were your child being held hostage. As I said, he is mine, whatever eventually happens and whatever the law may say. If you don’t think you’d be fighting every hour of every day for every possible bit of info and be extremely frustrated with anyone not willing to do anything to help, then I hope you never experience this. If you do think you would, then say a prayer for all adoptive families that you may or may not know. Some cases go quickly, but just as many if not more do not, and we’re stuck here waiting for that next ransom note…